Y

I had an argument with Y the other day. He was telling K that he liked to play vowel every once in a while. I had to intervene. I told him that he could only either be a vowel or a consonant, not both, and certainly not at his choosing. He replied that he had been granted a special right to choose to be one or the other depending of the occasion. “Silly!” I said, “that’s like saying that you choose to be a man on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and a woman the rest of the week!”
- What about transvestites? He asked.
- They still are either men or women at the end of the day!
- What about transsexuals?
- They, too, have chosen a particular sex and cannot claim to be of both. In any case, I said, with only twenty-six letters in the alphabet, we have to remain rather conservative and preserve a certain discipline. I cannot let you ruin it all for everyone and create mayhem among your fellow letters. You don’t see E changing sides every hour, do you?
- But I swing both ways, he said, does that scare you? Does that make you uncomfortable?
- That is not the point and you know it, I said. There is no ‘swinging both ways’, it’s just that simple. With only twenty-six of you guys, it would be confusing to see you all trading places all the time! It is already confusing now that no one has clearly addressed the issue yet. I feel partly responsible for it actually, for I haven’t brought it up earlier."
Y realized that he was losing this argument and played the card of uniqueness.
“Well, what could you do about it anyway?”
- What do you mean?
- You can’t kick me out of the alphabet!
- Oh, you think so? You’re expendable, my friend!
- What do you mean expendable?
- You see your friend B over there? I couldn’t replace him. Neither could I replace P, R, L or A for that matter. But I could easily replace you with I. It would take some time for people to get used to it, but eventually they wouldn’t notice the difference and accept to live without you.
- Who do you think you are, going around kicking letters out of the alphabet like this? he asked.
- I’m the one using you, moron! Without me you wouldn’t even be here and we wouldn’t even be talking about it!
- So what should I be then, Mr. Lettermaster?
- Look, we’ll do something. You’re a good guy, and to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t like to be the one to kick you out on the street like this. Why don’t you figure out what you want to be and your choice will be mine.
- You’re an asshole, Paré! You never understood me and I’m glad I’m not in your name!"
Y left, sobbing. I’m still waiting to hear from him.