Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Join the Navy!

"Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash" Winston Churchill

Hmmm, so who wants to join the Navy with me?

Navy site

For the lash, of course. I may be a masochist but I ain't no homo lush!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Irony Dead? I Think Not

'Free Tibet' flags made in China

BBC Story

From Toronto With Love

I hate all of you
Date: 2008-04-20, 11:50PM EDT

I don't care what colour you are. I don't care where you're from. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you've fucked.

I hate you all. I hate every last living, breathing, snot and feces producing, promiscuously copulating, celebrity obsessed, opinionated one of you. From right here in Toronto right around the planet and back, coast to coast, nationwide and internationally. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. You.

Fuck love. Fuck your insipid grasping at some abstract concept of chemical imbalances and reasonless actions, fumbling around in the crowd trying to find some cinematic supposition for real human interaction. Fuck lust, too. Fuck you all, from the lowlife dirtbags that think dropping trou and waving the little soldier in a sloppy arc is a pick-up line to the sniveling of the desperate 'nice guys' who never get the girl due to a total lack of testosterone grown stones. Fuck you all, from the crazy, under dressed sluts that judge a persons character by the price of their shirt, right down to the fat, flabby chicks that think personality is enough.

Fuck you drivers, for thinking that a yellow light is a sign that says 'step on the gas'. Fuck you wheelmen and women that think it's okay to sit in a left hand turn in the middle of morning traffic, even though there is a protected left in the intersections before and after where you need to make your turn. Fuck you too cyclists - you're not exempt from the traffic laws just because your peddling, you miserable spandex covered neon reflective fucks. Fuck you too, pedestrians. Use the fucking crosswalk if you don't want to get hit, and use it before the little countdown clock says '3'. You don't have enough goddamn time to lope across four lanes of traffic.

Fuck you chick on your cellphone. Fuck you attitude packed minimum-wager that makes my coffee. Fuck you cops that spend all their time handing out speeding tickets. Fuck you douche bag doing ten over the limit in the passing lane on the highway. Fuck you lady using exact change at the counter at the grocery store. Fuck you kids having a conversation in the doorway. And fuck you also for not getting the fuck out of your designated handicapped seat when a pregnant or elderly person gets on the fucking bus.

Fuck taxes. Fuck welfare. Fuck the whole selfish, over politicized and party driven government system. I'm sick and fucking tired of policies and new laws with seven hundred bylaws that nobody but you and your cabinet reads. Fuck you councilors and your stupid 'district improvement' plans. Fuck you unions, for asking for so much and giving nothing more that what you already give. Fuck the whole process that allows people who are supposed to be working for us work for interests that only benefit the next campaign. Fuck your short-sightedness, your rush to the bandwagons, and your incessant arguing over fuck all. Fuck the parties, fuck the conventions, and fuck your campaigns. Do some real fucking work for a change.

Fuck you bottles of water. You're water. You're not worth two fucking dollars.
Fuck you trendsetters, fuck you fashionistas. Fuck your little dogs and and your idiotic outfits. Fuck your high heels in the snow. Fuck your five dollar coffees and your fifteen dollar veggie burgers. Fuck your health kick, your diet or your fucking new interest in kickboxing or sushi.

Fuck your culture. Fuck your race. Fuck your sense of entitlement. Fuck your sense of uniqueness. Fuck you all for the belief that you have something unique and interesting to contribute. Fuck you for filling the internet with your useless garbage. Fuck your blogs, your wikis, your forums. Fuck your name calling. And most of all, fuck whatever you believe. It's all wrong. Fuck it.

Fuck your complaints. Fuck your addictions. Fuck your dependencies. Fuck your pain. Fuck your tears. Fuck selling whatever it is you sell. Fuck your manipulation of others. Fuck movies. Fuck fucking. Fuck everything you own. Fuck your allergies. Fuck your stupid commons sense. Fuck your spelling and fuck your lack of education, or your ignorance, whatever is applicable.

I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and just get on with it.

Craigslist Best Of

It's funny, 'cause it's true!

Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film

Sunday, April 27, 2008

By request...

These are some of the photos I took last Monday.

Sorry Bonerpants, I don't want to upload the videos.

I want you!

Okay, I really want to avoid going to yet another concert alone. Please, who wants to come with me to see Iron Maiden et al on June 21st? Dethklok will be there.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Dear fucking Blog

here goes nothing.

Dear Blog,

there were 2 waitresses at that fucking bar, one that was nice and the other that went as follows.
I went in there and I walk straight to the bar and I ordered some beers.
Then I try to make conversation with the barmaid, not the nice one.
I says : "I had a real difficult childhood".
She says : nothing.
I says : "My father treated me wrong."
She says :"How so?"
I says : "He beat me to death and then he rescussitated me by coming in my mouth."
She says :"You shouldnt laugh at this stuff because it really happens to some people."
I says : Nothing.
And she left, giving me the evil eye.

What the fuck.

And then there was Johanne.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Watch as I enter the 21st century.

Well, it seems like it's time for me to get a cell phone. I went to pick one up at Koodo today as they seemed to have nice plans but their computers weren't working and so they couldn't sign me up. But this gives me an opportunity: I need you guys to help me figure out what would be the best phone number for me... you know, like 514 douchebag (if only that fit).
The winning entry will get... my first text message?

a lesson in dutch pedophilia

You Can't Beat Honesty Like This


Je suis Anne Micheal fil de Monsieu Bob Micheal je suis accompagnéde mon frre Philippe Micheal.

En toute confidentialité je vous écrispour solliciter votre assistance afin de faciliter le transfert d'unesomme de 21.800.000 dollars américains (Vingt Un Million Huit Cent Dollars Américains). Cette somme a été déposé par mon
défunt P?re Bob Micheal Natif du district de mende dans le province septentrionale de Kenemaen Sierra Léone et ancien D.G dela Société Sierra Léonienned'exploitation
du Diamant (SLMC) dans une Banque de la place peu avantla guerre civile dirigé par le chef rebelle Paul Koroma qui a détruit compl?tement le pays.

Prévoyant, mon Pre avaitpris se disposition pourmettre sa famille en abri en de mme que tout l'argentqu'il a gagné aprs d'énormes sacrifices afin de le soustraire auxpillages. E aux destruction sous discernement des biens privés et despropriétés publiques par les rebelles.

Dans cette furie et extrmeviolence, mon pre cible privilégié et beaucoup d'autres dignitairesn'auront pas la chance d'échapper la mort. Ils ont été sauvagementmassacrés. La mort
brutal de mon pre va constituer pour nous un chocterrible urtout surtout queque mors aprs son pre qui devrai s'occuperde nous perda la vie dans un accident de circulation. A partir de cetinstant, notre avenir s'est obscurci,la vie est devenu plus dur,impitoyable et cruelle.

Ma Mre malheureusement ne pourra supporterce choc, elle mourra son tour me laissant ma seur et moi dans unesituation critique. Nous nous retrouvons donc seul, dans un pays agitésans aide confinés dans un camp de réfugié ou
la vie est encore pluscompliquée. Déprimés, traumatisés, notre seul espoir ne repose que surle retrait des fonds déposés dans cette Compagnie financire par mon pre et pourlequel nous vous demandons de nous aider les retirer.
Nous vous prionsd'accepter de vous précuter comme Co-Bénéficiaire de ce dépôt afin defavoriser son transfert sur un autre compte en votre nom dans unétablissement
financier de votre pays.

Nous comptons si tout se passeinvestir cette argent sous votre directive dans une affaire qui pourranous permettre de vivre et de continuer nos études.

Je me tien votredisposition pour toutes autres ou informations concernant ce dépôt etvous rassure que notre assistance sera appréciée sa juste valeurpusque
vous voullez bénéficier de 15 % du montant total de cet argent.

Répondre par cet E-MAIL (annemicheal1@yahoo.com)
Merci d'avancepour votre collaboration.

Anne et philippe.

Formation Personnelle et Sociale, Leçon no3

Friday, April 18, 2008

Stating the obvious since his last reincarnation

"I think that to a large extent, whether you suffer depends on how you respond to a given situation."

"when seeking work, or if you already have a job, it is important to keep in mind that a human being isn’t meant to be some kind of machine designed only for production"

"to resist corruption, one must focus on the long term effects of his actions."

And then my favorite one :
"Even if it means less pay, personally I think it is better to choose work that is less demanding, that gives you greater freedom, more time to be with your family, or to do other activities, read, engage in cultural activities, or just play. I think that’s best."

I thought these things didnt need to be said anymore, that they were long understood.
Too judge by the awestricken audience gasping at his every words, it seems I was wrong. Maybe I should start my own cult, where I would teach the fondamental basics of life in their wisest form.

wall ball 2008 game 1

1 pm. Laurier & St Hubert. Be there or be square.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Quote of the Day

"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?"

BBC Story

Not much, apparently...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Friday evening or Saturday, I call...

Last One!

I promise.

But things have been happenning to me.

For the previous post, I decided to look up some pictures of the MACM on flickr.

Being a brazen* man, I typed in what I guessed would be the adress. Imagine my surprise, when in a busy computer lab I typed in www.flikker.com. Ooops.

*contemptuous boldness. The definition is way better than the word, nay?


Being a renaissance man with an impecable Outremont accent, I find it hard to believe I can stand living in this dump of a city.

Here's a quote from our contemporary art museum's website. It's about their boutique:

''There's a range of super-stylish Québec-made items, but also – in this global era – original objects from far and wide, including New York and Europe.''

Wow! Considering where Montreal is socially, culturally and geographically located, there is nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that says ''global era'' more than Europe. Don't even get me started on how ''global'' as well as ''far and wide'' it is to get over-priced, precious baubles from New York City! No seriously, I'll talk your ear off on how priviledged and ungrateful we are to be able to even consider such concepts. If I believed in God, I do believe I would ask him to bless this boutique.

MACM Boutique


Tomorrow's your Monday!

Just a friendly reminder. Wouldn't want you to have another BUSTED! moment. Oh, and just another friendly reminder that the following day is your Tuesday.

Why, that's so sweet, you're quite welcome Candyman.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

April 15th, 2008!

Happy International Jerk Day!

In the spirit of the festivities, I wanted to remind you that I've been here:

And you haven't. And probably never will. Because you are unable to live life at its fullest. Which you've proven since day one (1).

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your shitty excuse for a life. Now go jog. Or do whatever your fellow ratracers do.

rise up!


I know this post might seem pointless, but I am sure some of you share the same soothing sensation that I get when looking at the daily life of an orangutan. Its like sitting in the sun.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Handle Available!

Yup, whilst perusing the inter', my mind combined two delicious concepts to form the best new blog name since Jicheal Mackson.

Here's a hint, well two:

(No points to Napoleon Bonerpants for figuring this one out)


Available to anyone who wants it. First come, first serve.

What's that? You don't know who Chuck Yeager is? Here's a link that should help.


I'm feeling great today.

The Onion Article On

PS: Read the article, it has nothing to do with Tom Cruise

Sunday, April 13, 2008

THIS BLOG SUCKS. (Mainly because of the following post.)

As far as I'm concerned, dear blog, here's another reason to hate sublime. I hope that lame dead singer of theirs is getting his butt kicked by the neo-nazis of hell.
Not that I'm with them, but sometimes I like to think I am. I'm a very anxious guy. Especially when I smoke weed. I's been smokened some weed earlier this evening, elsewhere then here. And then when I came back from there, I was anxious because I was thinking maybe someone would shoot me in the face, right when I'd open my door. Then I felt relieved that no one did.

Dear blog, I am anxious again for a reason that should not be, but is nevertheless. My girlfriend has found a piece of the Sublime Cd I broke friday night, in the hope of never hearing it again. I thought I had gotten all the pieces. Please dear blog, help me find another explanation for my acts, the previous one sucks.
vote for the 19 bernard as best blog on Montreal Mirror BOM

and DeAnne Smith for best comedian

Mtl Mirror Best of Montreal

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Hung over music

(Warning, the following message may contain what one might perceive as the author pulling a Trebek, which is exactly what he does, someone's gotta sell his crap around here)

When you've drink/drank/drunk? yourself to oblivion the night before and Hango Verr, you know its a serious one, well the last thing you need is to explain yourself, and your sorry state to anyone is not at all what I meant to say is all you really need aside from a little shot of whisky, is someone or something to understand you, to make you feel like you're understood. You know? Earth. These guys will confort you and tell you yes, you've chosen the right path, and yes, they would have done exactly the same.

Best "Where's my wheelchair" music of the year :

The golden years

Friday, April 11, 2008

19 bernard nugget

remember the fundraiser for NIBU?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Hey backstabber! Care to up the ante for next summer? Better start consuming some Extreme Doritoes and Mountain Dew right now if you want to be careless enough to do this shit. (you also need a helicopter, parachute know-how, at least one Swedish friend, and 300$ Oakleys)

Roscoe's Chicken n' Waffles

The Fat Boys video reminded me of this little ''nugget''. It was in Tapeheads, a movie my Dad brought me to watch with him when I was nine. I guess you could say I was in a little over my head. In fact, now that I think about it, my Dad brought me to many a movie that was too sophisticated for me. I was going to write inapropriate, but then you might have gotten the wrong idea. Oh, wait a minute, it would be the right idea. I went to see Basic Instinct ''en famille''.

Downey and Shipwreck: Brothers in Arms.

I thought Shipwreck might be able to relate to Robert Downey Jr.'s role in this movie.

statistics at their best

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

On a Heavier Note...

Remember these boys?

Fat Boys - All You Can Eat

for all you can eat,
well imma stuff my face to a funky beat!"

On a lighter note...

Monday, April 7, 2008

Nazis = Bad

Joey ''Gobiliscious'' Goebbels

I'm sick and tired of hearing ''The Nazis did this'', ''Thanks to the Nazis we have that that'', as if all they did were good things and that it would be peace on earth if they had managed a thousand year reich, instead of a four year one. Well, I'm here to expose the truth. The modern torch relay was introduced by Joseph Goebbels, as part of an effort to turn the games into a glorification of the Third Reich.

Yes, the Nazis are responsible for the destruction of Tibet. Thus, they are bad.

Not only that, but they've completely decimated Tibet's polar bears, whales and baby seals. Its like they sent this lovable fauna to a concentration camp, but instead of learning how to concentrate, they were killed. Animal youth-in-asia killings I tell you. Animal youth-not-in-asia-anymore is what they should call it.

New York Times article

Also in the article is how the Nazis popularized the dreaded Olympic quintring. And ok, the article does not mention the culling of the Tibetan polar bear, Tibetan whale or Tibetan baby seal, but the fact that there aren't any living there is proof enough for me.

I keep on telling you people that the Nazis did bad deeds, but noooo, you don't want to listen. Now is the time I say: ''See, I told you so.''

See, I told you so.

See, I told you so.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Pif's HEC propaganda discovered! I always knew you were on their side.


This happened at HEC. Not such a bad place afterall.

Goodnight Sweet Soilent Green Prince


Published: April 6, 2008

Charlton Heston, who appeared in some 100 films in his 60-year acting career but who is remembered chiefly for his monumental, jut-jawed portrayals of Moses, Ben-Hur and Michelangelo, died Saturday night at his home in Beverly Hills, Calif. He was 83.

He was finally overtaken by those damn dirty apes. He is survived by his shotgun Betty and his replica of the 10 commandments.

For good measure.

Encores are always flattering.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Like Super Mario 2, except with less action, more ridiculous goals, and inspirational Bible quotes.

So I googled the title of this intriguing artefact and I found out it was #19 on the 20 worst nintendo games ever made list. Which has pushed my obsession to play it to the next level where I might buy the whole 8000$ collection just to put my hands on the game. Here's a couple of screenshots.

You'll have recognized baby Moses. The goal of this level is to save him from spiders and guys with spears. You can actually use him as a weapon to kill the heretics and other arachnides.

This of course was Noah, bringing back the animals to his arch.

So I guess its all about the old Testament. I'm a little disappointed. I would have liked to play Jesus. But still. I need it now.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Speaking of Inner Child Erections ( ? )

I never noticed that ( ? ) looks like a good emoticon for someone with a hairy inner bum.


The other day, I received this electronic missive (emis)from a friend living in a foreign land. The emis included a picture.

And a text.

''Je ne sais pas si tu te rappelles de ce film vraiment bon (en tout cas, à l'époque on avait trouvé ça bon) qu'on avait loué et regardé dans votre sous-sol... "Split Second"... une espèce d'Alien méchant qui tue les gens et ce gars qui essaie de l'arrêter...

Eh ben ça fait longtemps que je cherche le DVD et je l'ai enfin trouvé... une version éditée en Allemagne. Imagine-toi que certaines éditions de ce film se vendent presque 200 EUR le DVD, hallucinant...! Là, je l'ai trouvée sur eBay à un prix raisonnable... ''

Surprisingly, the only thing that came to mind was this Onion story about Dolph Lundgren:

Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle Against Fame


The mind is a very curious thing.

My inner child just had an errection.


Please ignore the title's creepy double entendre.
I would imagine it would require a lot of blowing to get these to work.
Although, I feel bad for the guy. My NES hasn't worked in years and yet I couldn't sell my cartridges on eBay. Also, I seem to have someone's copy of Lufia.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

New Sport!

Man, oh man, it's a veritable revolution in the sporting world! And I'm not talking about steroïd-free professionnal sports! That's just delusional.

This shit is just starting to get big in dumps across the globe. I predict events at Carrière Miron by summer 2009, but that's just because, like cellphones, we're behind the times. What am I talking about you say?


Check out that guy in the background! Amazing!