Monday, March 31, 2008

No Shipwreck, No Cry

Come with me to the Magic System show! «Urban» Abidjan music!

It is going to be absolutely fanfuckingtastic. Unless you have to work, of course.

Opening for them is Black Parents.

I have no idea what they sound like since I am at the lab and have no way to hear the video. Hope it's a good one! Oh, they are from Montréal, if that makes a difference.

And lastly, and perhaps leastly (I have not listened to this either. Ooops), Gokh-bi System will be playing as well.

Although, as mentioned above, I have not heard the sound, I find the video is worth watching simply for the parts where you see Africa aping (no pun intended!) the US as well as the parts could only be African.

I'm covered in filth, cowardness and shame.

Well it goes like this :

Dear 19Bernard,

I am presently "working" as a security agent.
I am not writing to complain or anything, just to share my thoughts and my present mental state with another entity.
My job is not very complicated. It implies waiting for 8 to 10 hours, standing, and smiling to people while trying to keep my dignity by not bursting in tears or screaming to death or shitting my pants and throwing my shit at the very people I'm supposed to smile at. I've managed to keep my dignity until now. But it is not an easy feat. Because as a security agent, pretty much everyone hates you. The people you're supposed to keep secure hate you, the clients hate you, your colleages hate you, and your suppervisor hates you. It is thus difficult to remain in a state of peace and mental serenity. In fact, unless you are a mahatma or have down syndrome, you will sooner than later give in to the dark side.
I've managed not to let myself be overwhelmed by all the hatred so to not become an anal zombie like most of my colleagues. To do this I've found an interesting and very effective way which has help me so far to remain mentally sound, or at least not to give in to psychopathologies, well at least not psychopathologies that are expressed through the concrete and real killing of others. I have not killed others and do not intend to. But I did indeed killed them in thoughts. That is how I do it.
That is how I keep from leaving on the killing spree and ultimately ending up to the nuthouse prison.
You see, for example there's this guy. He's a short guy. He's very fat. His breath smells like death and his eyes speak of malicious stupidity that encompasses the full spector of disgust. This fat flobby short guy needs friends and so tries his best to start a witty conversation with anyone and will come close enough to your face that you can feel his breath, taste it. I dealt with this guy not by leaving in the opposite direction as anyone would have done on the spot, because I could not.
I dealt with him by killing him, in thoughts. And I've found a very specific way of killing him. And this method has worked so fine for me that I've decided to apply it to every other lump of shit of an agent that would dare to come close to me.
For instance that other anal douche of a Paki guy that was ordering me around as if I was his fucking Paki bitch deserved a special treatment. What I did was I elbowed him in the face, (I always start with that, or a good head butt, anything that will stun my opponent to the ground, leaving his face covered in blood and horrified surprise) and once he was lying on the ground, I'd tie his arms to the side of his body, and tie his legs together, and turn him so he's facing the floor. Now what I'd do to put an end to his stinking existence would be to take his feet and bring them back as far as possible over his head that I would have kept still by standing on it with a foot, in such a way that his spine would break in two, and maybe his stomach would be teared open because of the stretch and his inners would spill out.
That really made me feel good. I imagined this specific scenario about 10 times every hours and it made me feel relieved. In fact I was even hoping to see the man so as to bring more details to my imaginary scene.
What I did to the short flobby and disgusting human was more simple. I elbowed him in the face and while he was lying on the floor screaming in pain while holding on his bleeding nose, I would just jump on his face, feet joined, until his face would cave in. I could even hear the bones cracking.
Pretty neat. And then what I did to the other bitch was... uh? what? oh, you dont want to hear it? oh... ok. Thank you anyways. Thanks for listening dear blog, you're such a good friend, I treasure your friendship, and hope we will always be there for each other. I love you 19bernard.

what I meant to say was : I'm creeping myself out.

I need help.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

How come we never mentioned this blatently 19bernardant piece of delight?

Woman Dies After Water Drinking Contest
SACRAMENTO, California, Jan. 13, 2007

Jennifer Strange took part in a contest at radio station KDND 107.9 in which participants competed to see how much water they could drink without going to the bathroom.
The winner of the "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" contest was promised a Nintendo Wii video game system.
The 28-year-old woman did win the contest, but unfortunately couldnt claim the prize as she soon died of water intoxication.

Picture the epitaph : "She held her wee for a Wii bit too long."


Thursday, March 27, 2008


I'm no fan of religion in general, and Islam in particular, but still, this is not very good. Sort of pathetic to condemn a religion of a billion believers because of a few nutcases and a bunch of conservatives. Which religion, thought community, society, group does not have those in their midst?

The parallel I see is that this movie is the equivalent of making a hate/fear movie about postal workers or goths. Well, actually, scratch the goths, they like to wallow in others' hate/misgivings/misundertanding. Like pigs in shit.

Also, I find it quite funny that Muslims have managed, malgré eux, to make conservatives defend gays!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I don't get it.

I don't understand why it's such a big deal. I mean, the only good thing he was in was Jaws. And as far as I'm concerned, Darwin the dolphin was the true star on SeaQuest.

Saturday, March 22, 2008


So apparently a new procedure has been developed to permanently keep a hole in a cow's stomach, accessible to those who want to examine how different types of cattle feeds are digested. Supposedly it causes no pain or harm to the cow. I think it's awful because it makes me want to give the cows a good stomach fucking, and that's not right. Not right at all.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Picture Time

Why is this photograph important?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Sycophantic Backstabber... this website's for you

nice little gem

Shipwreck Shipwrecked

Local resident Shipwreck's recent downward spiral into drug addiction, unemployment, and complete and utter hopelessness has sparked the intense interest of several top world religions, each of which is vying for his services as a devotee, the 28-year-old uncommitted prospective convert reported Monday.

"I've finally reached a point in my life where all the big religions want me," said Shipwreck, whose two failed careers and mounting debts have left him penniless and in a state of blind despair. "Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism—you name it, they've come to me. I have no job, no family, no direction whatsoever. So right now, I'm totally in the driver's seat."

Some top faiths have noticed Shipwreck's ability to plummet to the very depths of depravity.

After declaring his intention to drink himself into oblivion two weeks ago, Shipwreck received pamphlets, letters, and VHS tapes from various religions, all urging him to join their faith. Most deals reportedly guarantee a lifetime of salvation, with additional incentives such as entrance into paradise, the promise of a new and better life, and the ineffable reward of union with a supreme deity. Christianity emerged as an early favorite to land Shipwreck Tuesday, after confirming that it had offered him an eternity-length contract with a signing bonus of everlasting bliss.

Shipwreck, however, said he was in no rush to accept just any offer, as he expects to remain at the end of his rope for a long time.

"Obviously, I bring a lot to the table," Shipwreck said. "I'm a broken shell of a man with nowhere else to turn and I will believe just about anything at this point, so if a religion really wants me, they're going to have to sweeten the pot. For instance, Hinduism is promising me rebirth as a king and the unlocking of all the secrets of the universe. But at this stage, that's not enough. How about throwing in some final redemption, or a car, or complete and total spiritual transcendence?"

"You're going to have to do better than eternal life," Shipwreck added. "Everyone's offering that."

Shipwreck has been showered with gifts as the religious institutions attempt to curry favor and sway his decision. He has received a free Book Of Mormon from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a 2008 wall calendar from the Christians, and was even visited at his home by two representatives from the Jehovah's Witnesses, which Shipwreck said was flattering, but "came off as a little too desperate."

"The Catholic Church has been wining and dining me," said Shipwreck, who was personally invited to attend a spaghetti supper at a local rectory last Tuesday. "If I'm getting free Italian dinners today, just think what they'll give me when I tell them that Islam is promising me lofty mansions, lush gardens, and 4,000 virgin companions in the afterlife. I'll be eating like a king!"

Shipwreck has recently visited a number of churches, synagogues, and tabernacles to check out the facilities and meet with members of the various belief systems. The Mormons reportedly showed great interest in Shipwreck, saying they would be happy to welcome him to their faith, while a Rosemont-area priest is rumored to have informed Shipwreck that the Lord Jesus Christ Himself "loves" him.

"Not to brag, but having lost all shreds of self-worth, I'm in a position to actually turn down offers," said Shipwreck, who recently rejected a bid from the Hare Krishnas. "I didn't spend a month scouring dumpsters for food to be offered nothing but an emancipation from suffering through the realization of one's true nature. Do I look like a sucker?"

"And while the joy of self-possession without universal trembling is okay, I think the Jews can do better," he added. "Nirvana would be a nice start. Tell you what: Offer me nirvana, then we'll talk."

Shipwreck announced Tuesday that he has narrowed down his choices to three religions, but has refused to divulge which ones. Many speculate that the frontrunners are Catholicism, Buddhism, and Taoism, which has offered a comprehensive package of everything and nothing. The dark-horse Presbyterians, however, have come on strong in recent days after offering Shipwreck $13.75 million and a private jet.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


If you do not have any time to waste, DO NOT go to the best pictures wikipedia area. In fact, I won't even tell you where to find it.

Check these out:

Ok, since I hate you, just search 'featured pictures' in wikipedia.

Ethical considerations

On the northern side of the city there is a center for the handicapped and other very sick persons. In that center there are patients, respirators and a nurse. On the nurse there is a belt and on the belt there are speakers transmitting the sound of the respirators. If one of those respirators stops, the nurse wakes up and runs.
Breath in... annnnd.... breath out.
The guy is standing in the room, looking at his cellphone. A mentally handicapped man in his thirties wheels in. The guy looks at him and says :"Good evening." with a somehow uncomforting smile. The mentally handicapped man remains silent, he is smiling. He approaches his chair a little further, about one and a half feet of uncertain trust. The guy emits an awkward exclamation, the expression of his cluelessness imprinted on his forehead, it sounded almost as condescending laughter.
The handicapped stops his wheelchair. The guy says :"hello", because thats the only thing on his mind. The handicapped remains silent, he is still smiling.
There are people on artificial respiration here. Every ten minutes or so, an electronic alarm emits a slow and constant ringing at which comes running the nurse. Those are indications of the patients anguish, stemming from the possibility of dying in their sleep, which they try to erase by not sleeping. Are these people still human? What is going on here? Is this acceptable? What can I do? Nothing? OK!
The awkwardness has now reached it's peek. The guy is standing still and waiting for something to happen, the man in the wheelchair is staring at him, they're both smiling. The handicapped man's smile has something very childish to it. It reminds the guy of the expression that girl was showing when he asked her for a dance, that first time he ever asked a girl to dance.
The people here have degenerative pathologies. There is no hope for them. They will degenerate and die. Pretty much the same fate as for everyone else, except in fast-forward, and they have got nothing else to think of. It's hard to divert your thoughts from impending death when your life depends on a respirator.
A weird silence broken by the electronics of the wheelchair finally starting to move. God. The handicap is slowly backing away, maintaining eye contact with the guy, always smiling as if forever, until he disappears behind the wall, in the hallway.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Montreal Chose - un festival pour le bénéfice de

I'm setting up a benefit festival in April... all the proceeds will go to

for more info visit:

(sorry, the link tool thingy doesn't seem to work so you'll have to copy-paste)

and, of course, join the group!
here's the schedule:

Mercredi 23 Avril 2008:
Coeur de Pirate
@ Divan Orange
5$ adv. / 7$ porte

Jeudi 24 Avril 2008:
Infinite Moksha
Sweet Mother Logic
@ Les Saints
5$ adv. / 7$ porte

Samedi 26 Avril 2008:
Famous Lovers
Diamond Sea
@ Club Lambi
5$ adv. / 7$ porte

Dimanche 27 Avril 2008:
Dead Seeger/Perfect Strangers (mem. de Dead Messenger & Brian Seeger)
Allan Lento
Patrick Hutchinson
Sebastian Hell
@ Cagibi

Monday, March 10, 2008

Free Puppy Stew

Hey, I got an inside on some free puppies. Anybody want some? Just Look at how good these Labrador puppies look! They would make the cutest, most delicious stew! Perfect for banishing those winter blues.

Thank you Raspetienne

I love these guys!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Friday, March 7, 2008

1 Cup

Who's got 2 Girls so we can have us a party, Candyman-style!


Thursday, March 6, 2008


This is a tale of caution.

The other day, I was trying to think of ways to prepare a whole bunch of organic root vegetables that I had. I then had the brilliant idea of making them into a purée, thus turning them into a sort of hummus. The day came where I put that plan into action. That day was today.

As I was cooking, I thought, hey, why not add some lentils? It'll only make it more substantial and more nutricious! So off I go and prepare my lentils. Once all the ingredients were ready, I whip out the blender. I make little batches, stuffing the veggies and lentils into the blender, helping the blade by pushing down the stuff so it purées evenly.

The first batch went well. The second was even better. The third was coming along quite well, I made some final adjustments, pressing the last little down. FWOOUTT!

A geyser of lentil purée grape-shot me in the face! Would you believe me if I told you I was surprised? I thought it was kind of funny, for like a quarter of a second. Then my body started spazzming and convulsing. Right about that point, the shooting pain crashed into my brain. I could not see.

Not so calmly, I went to the bathroom, remembering those safety eye sprinklers in lab high school chemistry lab. I doused my eyes with cold water.

The pain was searing. Not only those lentil purée not belong in your eye socket, the cayenne pepper in the purée isn't welcome either. Fuck it hurt.

I was still shaking.

I continued rinsing my eye with the water. After a bit I could open my right eye. I could open my left eye. So I pried it open with my fingers. I could not see my eye, as it was blocked by a wall of lentil purée! That was really scary. Seeing brown mush instead of your eye. I doused it some more. I got a bunch out. I still could'nt really see. I look in the mirror, and I see I have a lentil taking the place of a contact lense! That was both gruesome and hilarious. The pain quenched my laughing.

I had to flood my eye like a mofo, finally I had to shove my finger and push it out. But still the pain continued. The cayenne wasn't helping. I remembered how when I tasted the purée, it was spicy at the first bite. My poor eye tissue.

The ice cold water gave me some relief, but the pain would return quickly. After I a while, I finally took control of the situation.

The pictures of the kitchen do not give justice to the reality.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The Great Robot Wars are upon us!

26-year old Claudia Mitchell has become the first woman to get outfitted with a bionic arm, with which she’s able to perform functions simply by thinking about them. The arm was designed by researchers at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago and works by detecting the movement’s of Mitchell’s chest muscle, which has been rewired to the nerves that once served her left arm. Eventually, researchers say, the arm could even give Mitchell the sense of touch, with electrodes in the hand sending signals to her chest skin, which her brain would recognize as a sensation.

We have a ghost.

It's true! I now believe in ghosts cause we have one at home! I don't have a picture of our ghost with me cause i don't have a camera, but here's something i found on the internet.

Seriously though... About a month ago, we were out of toilet paper. Now, I know, that, in itself, is strange enough, but bear with me. So, we were out of toilet paper and it was on a friday, so I asked my dear woman to grab a 4-roll pack on her way back home please, which she does, and as soon as she comes home, we have to leave to go to work. So we leave the 4-roll pack, untouched on the couch in the living room and go to work. We come back in the middle of the night and it's still there. We go to bed and in the morning, following my usual rythm, if you like, I feel the urge to sit down for a few moments and think about what I could do to bring peace to earth. So I go to the living room to grab the 4-roll pack and it's gone. I look everywhere for a long time, turn the house upside down and decide that it's lost and blame it on the ghost. I finally go to the dep and get a new one for les than 2$.

Well, this morning, while looking for my dear pyjama pants, i looked under the bed and POOF! there it was, that 4-roll pack of toilet paper I had forgotten about. The thing is that I had looked about a m illion times under my bed and there had never been anything under there.

Speaking of speed

I was looking up astonishing speed and incredible design on wikipedia when i came across this scorcher. To me this is the best looking gasoline-powered vehicle, ever!

Ford, Model T, aka Rusty.

When slowed by a pair of oxen on the road, standard evasive action was simply to use that funny sounding horn! (According to Wikipedia)

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Pédale à vélo

The only type of pedal Candyman likes on a bike, if you get my drift.


uh... so if anyone... you know... could give me a job... or ... anything... money is accepted... I.... can ... suck... cunts... and ... dicks?

for cheap??

hmmm ?



So yeah, I got the boot yesterday night, at 10:00 p.m.
So I went to my friend Antoine to drink it over, and I drank 15 beers, and at 6:00 am this morning, just when my boss got to work, I called her up, because she didnt have the decency to tell my straight up my face right? Like I got to work all the way to fucking montreal est yesterday just to be told by some fucking loser that I'm not working there anymore, no fucking 2 week avis or anything, and so I keep my dignity and I say OK, its allright, you have nothing to do with it, you're just the messenger (cause the boss doesnt have the fucking balls to tell me straight up) and I just leave... and I drank 15 beers with antoine... and now I got back home at 6, and I called the fucking bitch, that worthless cunt, fucking idiotic slightly overweight moron, minable, sans aucune dignité, sans aucune fierté, sans aucune self-fucking respect, she just sent her fucking messenger to tell me I was fired, well thats not how its gonna be bitch, I'm not gonna shut up and leave as if you could do that to me you fucking old hag I'll kill ya, I'll fucking kill ya!!

well thats not what I said... But I did call her at 6:00 am this morning and after trying to get an explanation which she never gave me, I told her, straight up, to her fucking ear : I told her : " Mais c'est minaaaaaaaaaaable"

I told her fucking bitch, and I kept my fucking dignity all the way, all the way.... fucking bitch... I hate you all... go fad;hgadhgkadghdf;kadslkrrrarrrrrrrrrggggg

Monday, March 3, 2008

Speaking of Design

I was looking up titanium on Wikipedia when I came accross this scorcher. To me, this is the best looking plane, ever!

Lockheed SR-71, aka Blackbird, aka Habu.

When a SAM lauch was detected, standard evasive action was simply to accelerate! (According to Wikipedia)

Form Meets Function

I guess this is good timing. I got to my computer with this post already in mind. Turns out it perfectly coincides as the polar opposite of the Hawaian Chair.

Peep this.

Often we hear of dichotomy of function and design. Talking about this ranks right up there with ''What is art?'', ''What IS art?'', ''What is ART?''.

Don't say it. I know that writing about it in a blog is only worse. Nonetheless, I breached the subject because I have recently acquired an object that bridges the divide. Sort of like the iPod, only in a pedal. A clipless pedal. Those are the ones for cycling shoes.

Normal pedal:

Now, say hello to Crank Brothers' Eggbeater:

My babies are in rust resistant stainless steel! The functional advantage of this design is low weight, excellent mud (snow) shedding, easy cleat engagement, great clearance, and other stuff that you don't care about.

Also available is a top-notch titanium version:

But I don't have 425$ to spend on pedals.