Wednesday, September 28, 2011

3 Things I'd Like to Discuss With You

1. His lack of emotion combined with his silly mise-en-scènes.
2. His expertise.
3. The fact he is wearing an SS cap.

After Ahmadinejad, my new favourite humorist!

Alykhan Velshi!

This guy's amazing.
I always thought the neo-cons utter lack of humour could only be explained by the fact that humour is a form of intelligence, and because neo-conservatism prohibits all forms of intelligence, a witty and funny neo-con was therefore incompatible with their own laws.
But thanks to this awesome indian dude, I can only say I was wrong all along.

Velshi's humour is so subtle and powerful it's a bit hard to grasp at first.
But after a while one slowly comes to realize the incredible lucidity of his powerful intellect.

Here are some of his best quotes
(warning... total enlightenment and subduing of your mind might ensue)

"When petroleum reserves were deposited around the world, it is unfortunate that they were all given to the world's bastards. With the exception of Canada, most of them are with the world's bastards. You need to recognize that when you are buying oil."

"In an ethical country like Canada, we obviously take the environment a lot more seriously than the Chinese regime does: it's why we hear so much concern about the oilsands carbon footprint from NGOs, politicians and in the media. You won't hear nearly as much criticism in China, or Venezuela, for that matter. The fact that Canadians care so much about the planet - and that we have the freedom to express our concerns - is one of the many reasons that we know Canada is a more ethically minded country than most."

His website is totally cool too.
Go check it out for a good honest laugh.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Monday, September 19, 2011

fuck off, thieves!

The Cheeky

luckily i don't need more than a bungee cord to protect my bike in Seattle, but if my two-wheeled goddess ever graces the shores of Montreal again, you know she'll be protected by one of these.

whoa nelly!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Unmasking the villains

wait a minute....



Saturday, September 17, 2011

Contagion : The Critique

Last Tuesday was rainy and my friend Needles and I went to the movies. We wanted to see Contagion at the Paramount. My friend drinks a lot and enjoys sedatives so before anything we went to the park in front of the Sun Life building for a couple of beers and joints. It started to rain really hard before we had time to light the joint up so we went for cover in an alley behind Chez Paré. There we smoked up, taking cover from the pouring rain. As we scrambled our minds in this dark alley, a feeling of doom ensnared me and for a brief moment I could clearly see myself many years from now. This vision had me as an indigent elderly man wallowing in his own filth, gasping for breath as indifferent passers walked by.
Once we deemed our minds well scrambled, we ran to and entered the theater, as thunder cracked in the sky.


The lobby was full packed with dry looking people on which I decided to rub my drenched cloths so they would leave us alone and I could maybe get less humid before entering the movie. We waited in line until a clerk told us the 19:30 presentation was sold out. Nevermind, we'd take 2 for 10 o'clock. The clerk mumbled that a scratch on the screen brang the tickets down 50 cents. Thats 50 cents on twelve dollars, for a full discount of about 4%. We laughed it off and paid him, eeger to observe the scratch.
But now we had to wait another 2 hours so we decided to go wait in a pub nearby.
Needles and I being fast drinkers, it would be fair to say that we were both considerably affected coming out of this pub, having been drinking beer at a rate of 2 litres per hour. Once outside, we went for another little toke. Then we soon realized that the humid haze that was making us a bit cold was indeed the pouring rain and we ran back to the theater, although in a bit more erratic and slower fashion than earlier. We entered the theater, as thunder cracked in the sky.


The lobby was full packed with the same dry looking people who seemed to be exiting the last presentation, so we went through them and got to the cinema. As we made our way to the seats in the back, I looked up at the screen to evaluate the size of the scratch. I didnt see anything, except a very thin green line that went across the screen, at about one tenth the screen height from the top. Nothing to be annoid with, I thought. When I turned back, I saw Needles sipping on a flask of whisky. There was a black skull on the flask. He looked at me grinning and told me he'd just found it on the seat next to mine. He offered me some and I told him to fuck off, as the movie begun.

Contagion stars a woman called Gwyneth Paltrow, and she dies within 15 minutes of the start, a moment after which I decided was a good time to go take a leak. Coming back to my seat, I heard Needles tell our neighbours to 'shut the fuck up'. So I sat down at the exact same moment when they started reacting to his demand. It was only then that I noticed the two people sitting next to us. Judging by their voice (I couldnt clearly see them in the dark), I assessed they were 2 english speaking females of black skin. They were in their early 20s or something, and they reacted quite strongly, in a very stereotyped kind of reaction that might be expected from young english females of black skin who were just told to shut the fuck up. If you dont know what I'm referring to, you might or might not wanna listen to this or this or even this.
Anyways. Given my situation as the in between guy caught in the middle of this shit,
I tried to calmly explain to the girls that normally, people dont talk in a cinema, as it could potentially... but she interrupted me with a : 'UUUARRRRGHH!! WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MEEEEEEEE!'. And Needles and I chose to ignore them and they eventually shut up. And Needles kept on sipping on the black skull whisky.
So the movie went on, and did I mention how much I hate Matt Damon? I remember seeing Larry Fishburne at one point. Everytime I see him I think about how big he got after Apocalypse now. Forget about DeNiro or Christian Bale man, Larry Fishburne in Apocalypse Now! the guy is like 200 pounds lighter than in any other movie.
Anyways, so the movie went on, and its quite boring actually, I mean, its a contagion movie, but you dont see the slightest trace of pus. To me that really didnt make sense. And then, all of a sudden, I'm getting attacked by all sides. Out of nowhere comes falling on me this avalanche of fat flobby yelling flesh, out of the blue theres tits, belly, fat arms and tits all over me and the 2 black girls are screaming and yelling and throwing themselves in my general direction.
Now, you (the reader) may or may not judge me on my actions, but you werent there.
This was very startling, and my reaction was really just instincts. A reflex. I jolted up at the wobbling masses dangling over me, and pushed against them as hard as I could. Now I know how to push: I used my legs and my upper body to propulse the attackers as far away from me as possible. They went down quite violently and didnt got up. They looked up at me and started yelling that Needles had stolen their whisky flask, the one with the black skull. And they started screaming at Needles again.
Thats when I realized what was going on. At this point everyone in the movie theater was staring at us and some of them were standing and others were yelling and hollering at us. So I started screaming too, I was telling them to take it outside. I dont know if I was screaming at the girls or at the crowd in the cinema, but I was yelling as hard as I could: TAKE IT OUTSIDE!!! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!! and I was covering the screams of the 2 girls. So eventually everyone calmed down, Needles gave back the flask, and we went on with the movie. Its possible that Larry Fishburne didnt survive the altercation because I didnt see him the rest of the movie, or I dont remember.
Needles felt really bad about all of this, especially since he'd emptied the flask. I was just glad I was still prong enough to lift two fat screaming bitches.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Monday, September 12, 2011


I'm glad none of you made any jokes about 9/11 because that would have been just plane bad.

Holy shit

This is the best way to pay homage to one of the shittiest cartoons in history:

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Monday, September 5, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011