Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The problem with Tesla Coils... that you can't mass produce them and sell them to arcades for stoners to play with.

Alternatively, though, you have this: the Adam's Family Generator.

Now I would call it the next best thing to a cow fence...which comes in at a close third from a Tesla Coil, right after the coat-hanger in the socket trick. I'm no bullshitter, mind you. The machine doesn't actually use electricity to shock you, it merely uses vibration to simulate shock. Of course, you could also say that Tesla merely used vibration to generate man-made earthquakes so yeah...vibration works.

The goal is to hold on to two handles for the whole ride without letting go. And what a ride! As the "game" progresses, the intensity increases and you feel your muscles tightening until you think your arms might explode. The trick is to focus on keeping your hands loose while maintaining your grip. You get the hang of it after a couple of tries. At that point, you would figure it safe to stop playing the game as it should become pretty tame by then.

How wrong you would be.

You see, in the glory days that were my wasted years, I would go to this wholesome place in the burbs,

load up on common psychotropics and play this hellish masterpiece over, and over and over again.

Why, you ask? Because it was like a voyage into the heart of darkness at every turn.

To give you an idea, here's a video that shows the machine in all it's glory. Make sure to crank the sound for this one.

It doesn't do the experience justice, though. The guy's in a neon lit warehouse and he's 80% sober. You have to imagine being immersed in darkness, noise and flashing lights. That part's in your head though, but the arcade joint you're in is almost just as crazy. You're also in the company of aspiring drunk drivers and their women but all you care about is your next fix of Uncle Fester's special brand of electric moonshine. Your small marsupial brain quickly locates that big white face staring down at you from his throne at the end of the hall like the spiteful tyrant of arcade-land that he is. At this point you're obliged to stop resisting and accept his challenge.

As soon as your hands connect to the jumpers, Lord Fester has you. After a brief alarm, his mechanical abomination jumps to life and sends you it's first jolts while the pipe organ begins its crescendo of demonic dissonance. The gratifying abuse comes in waves of ever increasing intensity and the voltmeter makes you well aware of it. Your arms become soldered to his creation and your eyes are perpetually transfixed by that cold and empty stare; that face that begins to cackle in abhorrence, hiding it's own pain. It's now too late. You've both embarked on a carnival of mutual destruction. You realize that your immediate universe has become malevolent and excessive in all of its dimensions as your veins begin to pop in your neck and forehead. Meanwhile, your tormentor falls victim to his own cruel devices as his nonexistent eyes begin roiling as wildly as his piercing screams.

Finally, smoke blows out of his fiery ears and that's when you know that his brain burned out before yours did. You have defeated him...until you spot those other tokens in your pocket.


Barbarosa said...

If I got that, do you think young boys would be more interested in coming to my place?

Karl Hungus said...

Only if you gave them acid too.

Dementor said...

Girard brought you to that place after he put acid in your mouth?

What a bad influence.

Is the game still there?