I never wanted to become an asshole. Unfortunately, I became a cyclist (General Bonerpant’s unpopular monthly commentary)

I know the old argument. There are assholes everywhere. I’ve come to realize, though, that cycling is somewhat of an asshole magnet. Imagine being “allowed” to ignore traffic laws, to have the right of way over everyone else and to never receive blame for your actions. What rapacious asshole wouldn’t like that? Sure, lots of drivers are pushy egomaniacs but they’re the Denis Leary type of asshole. The one that proudly wears his ignoble trait like a badge. A cyclist asshole, however, wallows in a kind of self-righteousness often attributed to the so-called eco-asshole. Hey! You know what likes the smell of its own farts? An asshole.

So yes, Critical Mass may be a movement of social consciousness, but again, how could an asshole not be drawn to that? It’s a legitimate opportunity to freely express your assholeness to the rest of the world! Don’t tell me that the pleasure of pissing off a bunch of drivers is solely derived from an eager desire for a better world. And would it really be a better world if everybody were to ride bicycles? I’ve seen bike traffic. The chaos is only beginning.

So as a big fuck you to the asshole cyclists who make me a target for antagonism every time I slap on a helmet, I will make an effort to be a civil cyclist. My goal is to obey traffic signs unless it is retardedly unnecessary. I will still outrun the majority of people who don’t make their stops as that has been my experience thus far. I will be nice to pedestrians, drivers and cyclists alike. As a tradeoff, if I am yelled at for something that is not my fault, I will get off my bike and retort to the extent of which my personal sense of courtesy will allow at that specific time. This should be a welcome change to the common asshole maneuver of quietly ignoring all interjectors and speeding along.