Friday, April 5, 2013

This Literally Made Me LOL

In a previous time in my life, I was a lonely alcoholic. I was drinking at home by myself one night and I was running out of beer. I was afraid I'd run out of beer before I was fully blackout drunk. I remembered learning somewhere (either the jackass movie, or online somewhere) that you could put booze in your anus and it would absorbe into your blood stream quicker. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

 So I stripped down and got in the shower. I didn't have a funnel, but I figured I could just shove the neck of a beer bottle up my ass and tilt it up to let the beer flow into me. Well that didn't work so well. I got the beer bottle in there, but there was no flowing going on.

 So I'm facedown, ass up in my shower with a beer bottle halfway in my asshole and I get a sudden burst of genius. (Or what I thought was genius at the time. In reality I was already very drunk and making stupid decisions.)

So my genius idea went like this. How can I force beer out of the bottle and into my poop chute? I know how! Shake the bottle so it foams up and the carbonation will force the beer out! Genius!

 Do not try that. First of all, beer foam burns when it's in your asshole. And second of all, once I pulled the beer bottle out of my ass, I let rip the biggest, wettest, nastiest fart/shart I've ever witnessed. I had foamy beer and shit literally spraying out of my asshole at 100MPH. 

It wasn't pretty. I do not recommend that.

 TL;DR Do not put beer in your anus.

 EDIT: Yes I know I could have died and I know intra-anal booze does not get filtered or digested. Please stop telling me.

You can find the original here.


Master of the Craw said...

Shit, well, I think my life has just peaked reading this story.
Looks like it's all downhill for me from here on out.

Barbarosa said...

But what a downhill! Wait. Does even make sense?

Master of the Craw said...

Yes, I think if I died now my life would end on a high note. I don't think anything could ever top the image of you face down ass up in the shower trying to make yourself drunker only to turn your asshole into a beer/shit geyser.
Add to that the fact that you must have been completely shitfaced at the time...